All In

My headlights picked out the road in the six o’clock darkness as I headed out to work a couple of days ago.  I prayed and cried out.  At the start of my day I already felt drained from the alarm set thirty minutes earlier than usual so I could do morning chores while my husband healed from surgery.  I also slept fitfully for several months due to menopausal body changes that woke me throughout the night.  Lord, please, I just need a good night’s sleep and I can endure, I pleaded.

I made you to walk on water.  The Lord’s words rang in my mind.

“What do you mean, Lord?” I asked aloud.

In the quiet that followed, I thought of Peter, who climbed out of the boat and took a few steps on the water when Jesus called him. Peter sank only when he noticed the wind. I dropped my head slightly in a bow and felt tears sting my eyes.  I had taken my eyes off Jesus and looked only at my circumstances.

“Forgive me, Lord,” I said in a quiet voice.

Why do you ask for so little when I want to give you all of Me?

Oh!  I drove to work pondering God’s words.  He was right, of course.  How often was I content to just feel better when He wanted to make me whole?  How often did I settle for what I could do for myself?  Dang it, I thought, there it is again – pride.  Lord, show me how to lay it all down, I prayed.

The following morning, I sat on the kitchen floor with a cup of coffee and my bible.  I spent time reading Peter’s story in Matthew 14 to see if there was more to the story that I had missed.  Peter’s lack of focus showed a lack of faith.  Did my asking for less than God’s best show a lack of faith?

Is that it, Father? I wondered.  Like Peter, did I lose faith?

I never made you to be like Peter.  I made you to be like Jesus.

The words hit like a punch in the gut and knocked the wind from me.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. Romans 8:28-29

I drew my knees to my chest and hugged them, and I sucked in shallow breaths.  Of course, it was Jesus who walked on water.  I drew longer breaths, and with them came tears of complete humility and surrender.  Yes, there would be times I would need to endure, and times I would have to persevere, but Christ died to give me His full life.